Molly Warmflash is the greatest Bond name since Holly Goodhead, so she wins. In fact, what a double act… Warmflash and Goodhead… they are a late night BBC3 sketch show that is too youth centred for me to understand, but apparently is all the rage amongst gen z.
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I always asked myself if the person who came up with that name spoke German.
In German, a “Wärmflasche” is a hot-water bottle for use in bed… 
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Just wait for the new henchman called Pudelmutze.
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September 18.
You are still Barbara Broccoli, even though you found out some time ago that this is not all it’s cracked up to be. Apologies for interrupting your daydream about making The Rhythm Method 2: Dyspeptic Boogaloo, but you really have got to do some work at some point, y’know.
One concept you’re going to have to follow through is this notion of yours that all the Bond films are a narrative arc that one can see from Outer! Space! and thereby permitting the return of “old friends and old enemies” and that sort of insufficiently creative garbage.
Today your choice comes from Minor hostiles from the Brosnans. I am by tradition hostile to the Brosnans but I haven’t included my own posed antipathy as a choice; it’s all slaughter under the bridge, these days.
Pretty thin gruel but then… the Brosnans; you were expecting something else?
- Irina the “singer” *
- General Chang
- Nobody at all **
- “Creep” ***
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voters
*not that many options left for GoldenEye. It’s a massacre.
**the option for The World is Not Enough. Save for some random goons, again there’s no obvious candidate. This is a bold choice and by ensuring no-one is reminded of The World is Not Enough, a charitable one as well.
***Suth Efrikkan bloke going to the DNA clinic who gets punched by Bond. Him. Could be a running joke. Everywhere Bond goes, he assaults this man.
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While it is tempting to see Minne Driver, now that she is famous, back again and, because she is now famous, get tons of screentime, although she is not that famous anymore, and maybe that screen time will make her more famous again…
But I am voting for nobody at all. Because I am cruel and want to torture the producers to force them to allow the creatives to come up with original concepts.
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Irina is a tempting option - but overall what the series now needs is a fresh concept, something daring and original…like, for example…a recurring character? Somebody awful, with bad tastes and inferior class whose mere existence causes revulsion and embarrassment? Everywhere and at all times so Bond, without any other interaction, just punches them in the face and out of the film.
Therefore, Creep it is. Let’s turn the series into meta-commentary documentary. There’s an Academy Award to be had this way!
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Nobody at all " could be a beautiful Brosnan Bond title
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But she offers a fresh concept: cowboy hats. If cowboy hats in Bond movies aren’t daring, I don’t know what else is. There might even be a chance that we get Kevin Costner as villain with this, which would be an absolutely original concept. 
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But did you all remember that she likes singing and she sang a lot, but more important: did you all remember HOW she was singing…? 
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It was just… another way to die.
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For the ultimate in fan service and IP synergy, General Chang
teams up with General Chang:
and we have as a result
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In the Die Another Day novelization, the creep’s name is Krug. The only other option you could have used would have been the diamond dealer who bears a passing resemblance to our man Bond–Van Bierk.
For The World Is Not Enough, I would suggest Truhkin. He is the bald henchman that mistakes Bond for Mikhail Arkov and escorts him to the plane after 007 dispatches Sasha Davidov. In the novelization, he has a bigger role than he does in the film as he also is responsible for reshaping the plutonium to resemble a reactor control rod and is one of Renard’s henchman that die on the submarine. In the film, all he does is escort Bond–but he survives. But granted, there are very few options in TWINE.
Likewise, GoldenEye is very limited. Probably even worse than TWINE. My only other alternative for a henchman-type character would probably be Zukovsky’s henchman Dimitri.
And Chang is clearly the best option for Tomorrow Never Dies.
Regardless, my vote would go for the Die Another Day henchman–whether it be Krug or even Van Bierk.
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I’m going with Nobody at all (never twigged that TWINE was the NTTD of its time where pretty much nobody makes it…). Not having any characters would allow for an anthology of stunt casting, with any old star playing absolutely nobody of importance for a week, and then replaced the next week with any other old star playing nobody else.
Not too different from one of those (in the Guardian I think) random articles about the series’ direction moving forward by having a new actor take on the lead role for just one film.
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September 19.
Barbara, Barbara, Barbara.
(Heavy and excessively camp sigh).
I’m only trying to help you, y’know. I appreciate the diary isn’t very full at the moment, and you don’t want accusations of total creative redundancy heading your lovely way.
Such moaning as you could snivel that this is a distraction may be met by the question “distraction from what, exactly?”, so wind yer neck in and tackle today’s choice for returning characters, which is: Non-hostiles from the Craig Bubble-0-Seven.
Now get on with it. My patience is not infinite. Pretty much non-existent, really.
- Mr Mendel
- Corrine
- Kincade
- Estrella
- Dou-Dou*
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voters
*possible double agent, admittedly
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So many beautiful options - and while I have to go for the Swiss banker because he is played by German character actor Ludger Pistor, who was so well directed by the superb Martin Campbell that he came off as an amateur overactor (by the way, I just found out that Gogol/Gotell actually was half German, too - go figure!), I do have questions about the other “characters” which could be solved by future reboots - um, continuations in the expanded universe of the Amazon Bond:
Dou-Dou: why that name? It´s terrible. Isn’t it a slang word for No.2? But really, Amazon could enforce Bond to run around with some plaything (not Bond woman), changing it from film to film, bringing it to his many kids he must have fathered. A perfect merchandise opportunity (forget the watches - it´s kiddie stuff now!)
Corrine: why is Yusef only targeting women who look like Vesper? Doesn’t that narrow his field of operations considerably? And why is Corinne so gung ho on him, just because he gives her the same tacky jewelry? Yah, she’s Canadian and polite, sure, but he doesn’t seem so special that you want to give up your future for him, right? Right? Or is she… actually… playing him because she really is the head of Quantum? Which should return, by the way, because Spectre is now bloverhaused, and there are many operas during which they can still meet. C´mon, BB, a female villain - you never pulled that one off so far… no, you really didn’t.
Estrella: So if she is a Mexican operative… why does she really think Bond wants to bed her in that moment when they actually have a pressing engagement? Didn’t they tell her? Did she think CraigBond would be fast enough to quickly be on his way again? Is she still waiting in that room? Has the explosion kind of been a small warning sign that the mission was compromised? Did she just go home afterwards? Or was she told that the knee injury and the budget just did not permit her to stick around? Let’s have the next Bond use her again - and leave her again in a hotel room. It will be the perfect running gag. He can do it in every film now. Hilarious.
Kincade (which the auto-correct turned into Kinnlade, kind of German for “lower Jaws” which is mightily suspicious): So, at the end his job is blown to bits, the old woman he might have set more than his eyes on is dead, and Bond will surely have to make him sign an NDA (euphemism) - which might explain Bond declaring he’s back “with pleasure” afterwards.
But if Kincade survived, from that moment on boring everyone in the pub with his one big story about Skyfall falling from, well, not the sky but he can also embellish his story with that, and that scary theatrical fellow being knifed by that last rat standing… will he still get a pension from the British Government? Or is Skyfall being rebuilt, maybe as “Bond grew up here miserably”, attracting many tourists who know the secret agent as well as all his enemies? Silva´s secret son could come and visit with glee and grief (look, here’s where Dad tried to kill M and Bond but was somehow too slow to do it because once again he wanted the big theatrical experience).
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Hands down the character with the most emotional impact: Doudou. Bring him back over a 12 film arc where Bond fights a mysterious evil organisation…of cuddlies! Climactic scene will be Bond battling the main hench teddy bear who in his last moments points Bond to the dastardly head of the Cuddlies in Action: Doudou himself!
Insert clips of Doudou’s various crimes and conquest, lolling naked with Miss Taro, Tatjana, Tracy, stabbing Kerim Bey, riding one Doberman while chasing down Corinne Dufour, pressing the ignition button on blowing the SIS-Lego house, strangling Bond’s parents (this one is a teaser on the next film with the next Bond actor).
Huge cross-promotional potential: Doudou-Landrover-Cuddly-Defenders with rotating razor bonnet mascots! Only £ 999.000! Doudou-Nunchucks out of 100% vegan Minion hide; street legal and a steal for just £ 999. Doudou topping the billboard charts…
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To think… Doudou was under Bond´s suspenders when Satin shot him…
I already hear the future dialogue: “You’re the puppet!” - “No, you’re the puppet!”
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Yeehaw
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I would watch a sitcom with Mendel or a soap opera with Kincade (The Archers, Emmerdale). I was a big Roland Rat fan (being of indeterminate middle-age) so while Dou Dou could show up and get roasted by Roland and Kevin, I have no interest. And with Sooty and Basil Brush in my childhood, I’ve had my fill of stuffed animals. Or is that the other way around.
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Corrine and Estrella–Adirondacks.
Kincade–refuses to leave his sinecure at The Walrus and the Corkscrew.
Dou Dou–wants to avoid all questions about their gender, so they declined.
So Mr. Mendel it is. He is currently working to defeat the referendum to reverse the city of Basel’s decision to allocate 37.5 million Swiss francs to the staging of the Eurovision contest. Dou Dou is a behind-the-scenes adviser.
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