If I Were Mr. Marples
by Ian Fleming (The Queen, Oct. 26, 1960)
I would:
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Ban all private cars and lorries from all big cities. Establish vast, state-owned car parks on the outskirts and provide fleets of silent, fumeless, electric, cheap-to-run buses, taxis and delivery vehicles. These would be the only vehicles allowed within the cities.
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Ban all stickers, dollies and other obstructive flim-flam from car windows.
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Abolish the “dying swan” hand signal for slowing down.
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Cease using words like “curve” and “bend” to explain symbols on road signs which are
comprehensible to a child of three. Thus save enough paint and cats-eyes to erect the Continental “skiddy” sign where necessary. -
Use urgent danger signs that really startle, such as the Italian skull and crossbones. Scrap all signs that drivel: “Slough Welcomes Careful Drivers”, “Honour Your Code”, “Good Driving Pays”, and so on.
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The only keep-death-off-the-road poster anyone can remember is the Black Widow just after the war. This “frightened” people, so it was idiotically withdrawn in favour of “carrot” instead of “stick” ads. I would reverse the process and apologise to the “Widow” artist with belated C.B.E.
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All impeccable drivers (say five years’ clean record) would be allowed to count their insurance premiums, car licences and driving licences as deductible for income tax.
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I would legislate against shattering windscreens and other dangerous features in car design, such as faulty hydraulic brake pumps. Alternatively, I would publish details and manufacturer’s names. Three years ago, Sir Anthony Eden wanted a new car. He and Lady Eden selected a model, but the Commissioner of Police advised them against it. The Hendon Police Driving School thought it unsafe. Such cautionary information should also be given to the public after due warning to the manufacturer.
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Post Office vans are in many respects the most dangerous and obstructive vehicles on
the road. As a start I would insist they fit prominent traffic indicators at the rear. -
It is difficult to see if the new taxis are for hire or not, and the communication porthole with the driver is unworkable. Supervision of taxi design should not be left only to the police.
To cover such points I would invite a dozen intelligent and commonsense road users to form a dollar-a-year consultative panel with which I would meet at most for one afternoon a quarter to hear the ordinary man’s comments and suggestions.
Ian Fleming. Author of tough, sophisticated adventure stories. Creator of James Bond, hero of the Secret Service. Age: 52. Drives a Ford Thunderbird. Member of the Institute of Advanced Motorists.
Note: Mr. Ernest Marples was indeed the Minister of Transport from 1959 to 1964. This article was part of a symposium titled “What Would You Do If You Were…?” Readers with good memories will note that this 1960 piece is a sort of follow-up to Fleming’s 1952 “Open Letter to The Transport Minister” and draws on ideas described in 1959’s “If I Were Prime Minister.” My thanks to the generous friend and collector who tracked down and shared this article with me.
Oh, and here is the “Black Widow” poster Fleming loved (the artist is William Little):
