Laughing too hard today thanks to all!
I’m going with the Doberman, as I do like dogs. And Dobermans again, as I find Labradors well, kind of low-personality…
In general, I think I’ll take the train…
5 Likes
I was a little worried when the captain showed up in a silver jumpsuit with matching aviator cap and a pair of angel wings on his back. It didn’t help that the co-pilot was in a gorilla suit. But then I felt a tap on my arm and looked down (way down) to see the air hostess, Midge, handing me a souvenir pungi “to play with your asp,” so that helped. Plus the uniformed guy next to me assures me it could always be worse: he says the other side of the plane is “decadent and divided.”
5 Likes
It’s the big Indian fella with the knife, hanging on to the fuselage, that worries me.
Wouldn’t recommend it; THERE’S A BOMB IN THERE!
Your easyPussy flight - be at least 20 miles away when it takes off.
5 Likes
I was trying to link to a Hannibal Lecter GIF but I am too old for this too apparently. Why is my 15 year old in school right now? She could do this no problem!
3 Likes
So it’s the seat between the bomb and the gorilla, then?
4 Likes
I suspect there is also only one parachute on easyPussy, and it will be worn by people with steel braces only (“inclusivity is very important to us”) while flight attendants might be armed but have to go down anyway. On the plane. With the plane, I mean.
7 Likes
September 12
easyPussy Airways (“We’ll take mediocre care of you”) regrets to announce that its flight BMT216A, which departed at 12.07 a.m., has disappeared from the air traffic control system. We considered a rescue mission but have decided that not one of the passengers is economically worth it. Have you considered our airport parking discounts? Sign up to easyPussydotcom* for great meal deals, extra luggage allowance and a tangible sense of dread. Have a nice day.
(*not typing that out as a link because it doubtless exists and is probably tremendously naughty and you’ve probably got nicer photos of your Mum anyway).
Now, whilst this tiny tropical island is pleasant, three days since the 'plane went into the sea and you are a smidge hungry. You’ve only gone and eaten all the coconuts, you fool. Also the lifejacket (tasted of chicken, or perhaps beef - unclear); even the whistle (didn’t work) and the little light (didn’t work). Not many others made it to the island so your choices are limited, but you have reached crisis point: you have to ingest or eat:
- A leaking vial of Heracles and one of Drax’s demon dogs
- A Golden Grotto shark and a leaking atomiser of Virus Omega
0
voters
2 Likes
If I’m only stuck with a shark and a Doberman, the opportunities for procreation (unless we crashed near the Island of Dr Moreau) are somewhat limited, so I will plump for the unique confection that is virus Omega . 
5 Likes
Shark is supposed to be high quality food - so I’ll have that for starters and use the atomizer on the bugs which surely will try to eat me.
Of course, always hoping for the other passengers to be flushed out of the sea onto my shore so I can start drying their meat in the sun and have a nice month before I will start on my foot.
5 Likes
Actually, if you’re my age and frequented a chippy at all, chances are you’ve already eaten shark as huss/rock salmon or sea eel. If you haven’t done it too often the methyl mercury in the muscle tissue might not have affected you too badly. If you’re a dog you are likely used to some percentage of shark in your diet anyway as a lot of it is ground and processed to pet food.
So my Doberman and I shall dine on shark - until the metal poisoning will catch up with us…
5 Likes
I’m a couple of days behind, but I couldn’t help but comment on this:
Now THAT sounds like flying the friendly skies. 
3 Likes
September 13.
Three suitcases have washed ashore and… wait, is that a sail on the horizon? Over here! Over here! Can’t they see you? You’re even flapping your arms about in the way The Actor Pierce Brosnan runs; it’s most distracting, and very silly.
Yes, it’s turned towards you! They must have seen the figure on the tiny fly speck island acting like they were pleasuring two invisible elephants; that, or because you’ve eaten all your clothes, you are as stark naked as a Binder auditionee. Either way, you have exhibited allure, which after a week alone on the island, and having eaten a dog / a shark, is some achievement.
You realise you need some clothes. Where might you find… oh yeah, those suitcases.
Hmm. They do contain some odd things, has to be said. But these will be your rescue outfit, and you are going to be pictured in them and your photo will be on websites and newspapers the World o’er for a second time (let’s not dwell on the first). What’s your Getting Rescued look?
You have to wear all the given contents of the particular suitcase. One assumes, whether male, female or preferring not to say, you are already blessed with a third nipple.
- Suitcase 1: Anya’s woolly hat; the GoldenEye cravat; Honey’s bikini and the Widow Sciarra’s funeral heels
- Suitcase 2: May Day’s race day hat; Klebb’s pepple spectacles; Blofeld’s frock and one blue flipper
- Suitcase 3: Baron Samedi’s top hat; Dr No’s metal hands; Bibi Dahl’s leotard and Octopussy circus clown shoes
0
voters
I realise that should be “pebble” not “pepple” but you’ve been staring at pebbles for a week now, wondering what they might taste like, and I wanted to spare you further pain. That, and my own pebblespecs fail me once again.
4 Likes
Top hat, leotard and clown shoes most definitely. Hat and shoes should give me the requisite air of the temporally embarrassed millionaire to make rescuing me worth the while of my saviours. And the leotard looks exactly like the one I was wearing when the jet decided to hand in an early retirement note. Easy. 
5 Likes
No.3, of course, because that’s how I always dress anyway.
And since I can see that everybody voted for that I conclude that this board only consists of tastemakers.
5 Likes
It doesn’t matter what else is in the ensemble, any May Day hat is worth it! There are a list of cinematic hats I wish I could pull off, whether it be Clint Eastwood’s man with no name, Gene Hackman’s Popeye Doyle, but I can never make it work. May Day’s race hat would be no different, but goddamit I’m going to try!
5 Likes
September 14
You fool.
You monument to colossal stupidity.
You utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, utter, utter cretin.
Because of your choice of garb yesterday, you’ve only gone and scared the bloody boat off.
Tchoch!
One would think you didn’t want to be rescued, alone on the island, naked and with all your dingledangles within easy reach.
That said, it was a boat brimful of pirates who would have ravaged you into rhapsody and diced you into morsels, so perhaps you dodged that particular cutlass but I’m still currently considering that a missed opportunity.
Still, shoving those three suitcases and their contents back out to sea did mean they floated into the giant rubbish island touring the oceans, apparently an area the size of Wales full of toxicity, disease and refuse. Much like Wales. Sanctimonious do-gooders do monitor the passage of this trashberg from their spotter ‘planes, and you’ve been seen. Hurrah!
Look! A yellow life raft has splashed down! There’s a Skyhook approaching!
You do still have to get dressed, though. No-one wants to see your naked figure with its appendages and orifices, several days badly underwashed, flying over them whilst they masticate their elevenses.
Fortunately, another three suitcases have washed up. You have to wear all the contents of the one you pick, and if it helps, imagine yourself wearing such things, cutting through the air on a Skyhook wire, wondering how you actually get down from that thing.
Good luck! And this time, don’t muck it up.
- Suitcase 1: Dr No’s clear plastic radiation helmet; Pussy Galore’s golden bustier thing; Young Mr Craig’s tiny blue swimshorts and Corrine Dufour’s interchangeable continuity erroneous boots/shoes
- Suitcase 2: Mr’s Bell’s flying helmet, Tatiana’s black choker, May Day’s martial arts leotard thong thing and a pair of skis pinched from Piz Gloria
- Suitcase 3: Moneypenny’s Ascot hat, Graves’ Robocop headpiece horror, a 61 year old baby blue romper suit and Stacy Sutton’s remarkable all-terrain white heels (despite it being past Labor Day).
0
voters
3 Likes
All valid choices, I am already searching for all of them on etsy - yet, the skis clinch it for me so if the hook fails to lift me up I can waterski behind the plane, wearing the (definitely water-resistant) leotard and the helmet as an additional advantage. And I can jump any shark, too.
2 Likes
Thankfully I’m still in possession of No’s steel hands, that’s going to make sure I don’t slip down on whatever rope they throw me. The top hat is a chapeau claque, so that goes into the leotard over which I put the romper. It’s gotten chilly around here, hasn’t it? And I always was a sucker for white heels, finally a pair that fits! And they do go perfectly with this…is it a hat? A life raft? This looks edible, this has to be a life raft with edible emergency potpourri rations. Also should keep away moths. This tastes like cress, was that Boldman’s suitcase? Poor Boldman, the shark ate him. Better luck next time, Jacko B…
What is that weird head contraption? The latest NHS x Alphabet collaboration for prescription glasses? The glasses are free on the proviso we all wear them all the time? And they connect us all to the internet? How nice of them, splendid! Although I have to say, judging by this browser history, whoever used these before does have very particular tastes…Can I turn them off now, this is sickening. Brrr, positively shocking…
3 Likes
I chose suitcase one: with the Dr. No radiation helmet nobody will recognise me! 
3 Likes
Memory is a funny old thing but for some reason my mind has it that Mrs Bell’s flying helmet is actually Blofeld’s Piz Gloria ski helmet repurposed. So I’m going with that ensemble as a nod to 60/70s EON cutbacks……
4 Likes