Despite it probably being a bad idea, you were rescued. Even in that outfit.
Now home, you are surprised to receive a letter from the governing nation of that tiny island, asserting that your “stay” there upset the delicate ecosystem so badly that you need to nominate someone to be banished there forever, to restore and maintain equilibrium. And suffer.
Accordingly:
Anyone whose “James Bond” YouTube channel or social media posts are evidently more about them than Bond.
Anyone who claims the Dalton films were a low point.
Anyone who still claims that Mr Craig wasn’t well cast as Bond.
There’s an argument for all three, so I simply did an eenie-meenie-miny-mo. Funnily, I don’t even tend to watch a lot of YouTube and usually avoid the personality channels altogether. So others will likely be better suited to put a name on the guilty.
But I’m a great fan of banishment in general; I spent over 30 years banished from my own home until my masters decided I was safe to return (and those I had to leave town for were all dead and buried). So yes, put them there and let them feast on each other.
Like everyone else so far, I’m going with exiling James Bond Youtubers. The sort of people who have a pop at both/either Craig or Dalton aren’t even casual fans, they’re just regular cinema-going folk who should not be blamed for their inability to see Bond through our far more educated eyes!
That said, by getting rid of “James Bond” YouTubers, sure, we’re losing some valuable insight, but we’re also binning some people who, in the effort to attract clicks, say dumb things like “DaltonNotBond.”
This is a fun one, mostly for revealing to me I’m not the only irked by the YouTube crowd. I voted to banish them, but only on the assumption theres no internet on the island that would subject us to videos about how they’re coping, and how great they look in those screen-worn costume pieces that washed ashore in the luggage.
It’s the premiere of the film “they” made about your experience on the island - “I Know What You Ate Last Summer”. The mise-en-scene leaves much to be desired.
You can choose your seat, but between whom?
Nick Nack, shelling and eating peanuts throughout; You; Nomi, perpetually playing on her 00-issue mobile ‘phone and tapping her earpiece.
Ruby from Piz Gloria, constantly stuffing hot chicken into her maw; You; Gupta, persistently fiddling with a deck of cards.
The overall less offensive place ought to be between Nick Nack and Nomi. But I’m still feeling a bit hungry after the island ordeal and the idea to stuff pieces of Ruby and Gupta between my pearly whites during the premiere showing appeals hugely. Especially chicken-flavoured Ruby…
My only concern would be that, after a three hour runtime there’s nothing left but a greasy deck of Magic the Gathering cards and an empty family bucket of KFC, likewise greasy. Where do I get a toothpick here…?
Ruby and Gupta for me. How can you go wrong if you have chicken and cards? (just wipe your hands before dealing, is all I ask. The grease spots the cards).
You’ve been offered a gold bar - scratched with a minute letter z - to star in the sequel to the film about your desert island experience.
The producers - some sort of shopping channel, it seems - are keen to tone down the cannibalism and cross-dressing, on the basis The Silence of the Lambs already exists, and ramp up the wackiness and fun, possibly in the hope of selling some dollies or other tat through the wildly overpriced and morally dubious [Your name here] Store. The Advent Calendar, containing flakes of your skin, a few bogies and multiple toenail clippings, comes in at £3,984.99.
They also want to make it a buddy comedy, because those aren’t godawful rubbish, although you have negotiated that the film does take a darker twist at the end and you are allowed to eat your companion. Sorta snuff movie, with cheeky badinage and lashings of hot gravy.
Who, then, shall your doomed companion be, for “Dessert Island”?
Little Hong Kong Waiter bloke who likes surprises
Chew Mee
Calthorpe
Old Mrs Lazar
Krar the sex pest
0voters
Yes, this is a poll about which minor character from The Man with the Golden Gun you would like to eat. I might need help.
That said, with a name like that, Chew Mee is definitely in trouble here.
Chew Mee, is quite literally, asking for trouble. Calthorpe would be a bit stringy, as would Old Mrs Lazar. I’ll go with the Waiter bloke as I suspect there won’t be enough Chew Mee to go around.
There you were, only a relatively short time ago, boarding your easyPussy flight and looking forward to a mini-break of cultural appreciation, sampling local foodstuffs and taking the opportunity for anonymous fumblings in the dark about which no-one will ever find out.
Since which time it’s been dog/shark eating, May Day’s hat, cinema superstardom and, of late, the prospect of cannibalism of a minor character from a minor Bond film. Is it better to travel hopefully than to arrive?
However, there’s a problem. “Dessert Island” has hit a production glitch. Totally unreasonably, none of the characters from The Man with the Golden Gun on yesterday’s menu fancied being in a film that was 80 minutes of knockabout clumsy fun with a closing 10 minutes of the as-live desecration of their corpse and your feeding your innards with theirs. Despite this patently being a better film than the one they’re already in.
Tchoh! Fussy eatens, eh?
Still, rumours of the project did swirl, as rumours do, and, desperate for the limelight, five other characters are prepared to bid for oblivion. They don’t mind being eaten, it’s a weird subculture thing, and they’re badgering the producers every day, so you have to make a choice.
Yes, it’s another poll in which you have to decide which minor character from The Man with the Golden Gun you wish to eat.
