Don’t forget, it will also make you look totally different. You could start a secret identity life as your neighbourhood’s superhero. Or kick off a career as famous influencer and still go to the pub on Friday nights undetected.
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Attaché case all the way. Let’s bring back style.
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You will now receive telephone calls on the hour every hour from Amazon seeking to persuade you to change your mind; otherwise they will change your face.
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All my life I’ve been unable to grow a proper moustache.
So let’s lean the other way and go for the high-thigh dress.
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Do I have to do that with the fake moustache??? If it’s that much effort I might change my selection. Aren’t Amazon supposed to remove the hassle from our consumer existence……
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Why, Ms. Havelock, you’re looking particularly alluring this evening.
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The moustache. I very much expected this to be an option for FYEO (okay, I cheat, I saw the boxes in the lobby). The day will come on which I’m going to need a spare one, so I better get one now. Especially as these seem to be choice quality products, given the price (I not only saw the boxes in the lobby, I also found the price tags) 
And I already have enough gnus.
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As a collector it has to be the model plain, I already have a model kitt of the Octopussy plain, but of course I am too lazy to assemble it, so I will cheat again!
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Moustache all the way. I still regret never sending off for mail-order facial hair from that old comic book ad, but now I have a second chance at awesomeness.
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June 16.
Skyfall. There won’t be any more of it after the pre-credits unless you give Amazon some more money. It’s a viable business model that you know, somewhere in your soul, is coming.
- You’re still not getting the suits to fit that well, are you? Buy another, regardless. Clothes shopping over the internet is always dodgy.
- A Volkswagen Beetle. Might be out of stock so they send you a Colorado Beetle instead. Keep this away from your spuds, including the euphemistic ones
- A double-barrelled gnu.
- A smashed up laptop. “It wasn’t like that when we sent it” lie.
- A Turkish carpet. It’s made from the offcuts of hair transplants performed on lipidy Brits.
- Amazon Day exclusive! Driving lessons and diving lessons all in one!
- Earpiece appliance for your 'phone; you never know when Mum will call and tell you to do things that will probably kill you.
- Your own personal narrator, explaining all your movements to an unseen audience (this is fun at first but gets really annoying very quickly, especially when they follow you to your morning ablutions).
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Driving and diving it’s got to be. My car urgently needs a proper wash - since 2020 or thereabouts; didn’t BMW sell me this thing as black? - and I imagine there’s at least a little time saved here. More fool me…
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The earpiece. Not just for my mum but for everybody who just has to reach me wherever I am or whatever I am doing.
And now they can.
And now they will suffer because they will know where I am and what I am doing, and I can bore them into oblivion by explaining in detail how I go to the baker and buy bread and then close the door and walk down the street and wait for the lights and… you know, like what I am doing when I review movies or tell you guys about how Bond films should be like.
I have not yet received a single kill order, though.
Why is that? Not enough mustache gifs?
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Turkish carpet. Not because I particularly need one, but because “Lipidy Brit” is now my favorite thing to say.
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Oh, my own personal narrator. A wonderful opportunity to annoy people without having to do very much myself except from just being me while I can blame it all on the narrator telling fake news. Might also come handy when I’m asking myself in the evenings what the hell I’ve been doing all day…
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The choice using one of my favorite terms: “morning ablutions.”
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Narrator. And they MUST be present for ablutions. One should take all the help one can get.
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