Unbonded - a sort of game

Farctate with figgy pudding the yuletide season o’er, one’s port-immersed noddle came to thinking about what the likely outcomes would have been if villainous plans had succeeded and Bond had failed, or not existed at all to engage with them in the first place.

There might be other outcomes but this is where I thought things might go. All other outcomes eagerly anticipated; over to you, creatively.

Dr No – American missiles continue to topple. British not bothered. Dr No (as per novel) uses one to stage a faked accident and everyone realises this plot was pinched for Trigger Mortis. I could live in this World.

From Russia with Love – plot relies on Bond existing in order to be humiliated and murdered. So, nothing happens. I could live in this World.

Goldfinger – Goldfinger wins yet more money at carrrrrrds. Jill Masterson is alive somewhere and breeding weasels. Goldfinger has a monopoly on the value of the World’s gold supply and the Chinese are blamed for pretty much everything. All seems worth preventing although the British initially see it as another American problem. Aston Martin goes bust in 1966. The British are enraged about this as it disrupts their tatty little nostalgia industry. Probably not too keen to live in this World.

Thunderball – the ransom is paid (I recall there’s a deleted scene showing the ransom to be booby-trapped) or – more likely – Miami is nuked; the British are not remotely concerned about this. I can live in this World.

You Only Live Twice – GLOBAL! ANNIHILATION! SPECTRE takes over an annihilated globe. Curious ambition, tbh. Be careful what you wish for. Osato gets the contract for waste disposal; makes a fortune. Can’t spend it. Probably wouldn’t be able to live in this World.

OHMSS – (An un-annihilated) Sweden’s spuds go mouldy and Blofeld is awarded a title. Fairly low stakes, really. Might as well not bother stopping these things. British not that concerned about any of this (it’s a foreign title and the UK honours system therefore retains its ethical integrity), although one’s carrots seem to be withering. Easily liveable World.

Diamonds are Forever – Washington DC is destroyed (the British remain unconcerned by this; actually, quite pleased) or someone buys the laser or various nations fire more than one piddly missile at it and it is destroyed. Sales of pink ties plummet. That last point may harm my chances of living in this World.

Live and Let Die – mass soporific drug addiction in the United States (hasn’t this happened?) and Dr Kananga / Mr Big declares himself President for Life of San Monique. British not bothered; was a French colony, they can sort it out. Gains a monopoly on heroin. See Goldfinger, above. It’s just Goldfinger, again. Quite keen to live in this World.

The Man with the Golden Gun – Scaramanga, bereft of a breathing waxwork, either sells the solar energy thing to OPEC nations or keeps it for himself. British not bothered as it’s always raining here. Either way, someone becomes the Prince of Solar Panels (might as well be Queen of Betamax) and has a monopoly on, erm, the Sun. See Goldfinger. It’s just Goldfinger, again. No particular problem living in this World.

The Spy who Loved Me – GLOBAL! ANNIHILATION! Albeit one of Stromberg’s minions does wonder whether he should have spoken up more forcefully at their strategy away day and actually suggest that Stromberg could just go off in a huff and live underwater anyway without the GLOBAL! ANNIHILATION! bit of it. Jaws’ teeth rust. There are no potatoes. That means I wouldn’t be able to live in this World.

Moonraker – GLOBAL! ANNIHILATION! As all animal life is preserved, the carcasses of animals bred for meat just pile up massively as they die of natural causes. The planet is overrun with feral cows. Meanwhile, on the Galactic Brothel, it turns out Keith (piloting Moonraker 3) forgot to pack the nappies and the space station is awash with infant excrement. None of the perfect people are cleaners. All very under-thought-through. I am a perfect person so living in this World presents no obvious challenge.

For Your Eyes Only – the KGB come into possession of a cash register thing that probably doesn’t work any more having been underwater at considerable depth pressure for some days. Well done you. The British are mildly peeved, until it tuns out their submarines don’t work anyway. Easily lived-in World.

Octopussy – GLOBAL! ANNIHILATION! And some jewellery. You’ll be the best dressed zombie in town, m’love. Monopoly on Russian jewels obtained. Fairly low stakes, the GLOBAL! ANNIHILATION! aside. See Goldfinger. It’s just Goldfinger, again. Could probably live in this World, the nuking bit put to one side.

A View to a Kill – large parts of California destroyed. No Star Wars prequels are made. It’s a price worth paying. The British film industry booms. Zorin obtains monopoly on microchips and snoods. See Goldfinger. It’s just Goldfinger, again. Probably do live in this World already.

The Living Daylights – none of the Smiert Spionam stuff happens and the Russians eventually get their guns anyway. Hmm. British very unbothered about this, despite their interventions in Afghanistan historically always having been roaring successes, and quite a lot of what happens there sort-of-being-their-fault. Is the World.

Licence to Kill – drug baron becomes more drug-barony in the Pacific region. The British – not at all bothered about this. A monopoly on petrol-scented cocaine. See Goldfinger. It’s just Goldfinger, again. This probably all happens so can live in this World.

GoldenEye – British social infrastructure and economy tanked. 13 years of Conservative Party misrule achieves much the same effect. Space weapon not required, just a gullible electorate. British still quite inert about this, weirdly. [Cue fifteen page rant about Da Tories and why can’t people see the damage, etc. yawn?]. Am living in this World, rather wish I wasn’t.

Tomorrow Never Dies – LOCALISED! ANNIHILATION! Carver gets broadcasting rights in China. So what? Monopoly of Chinese telly. Woo-hoo (rather than Wai Lin - I will be cancelled for that “joke”). British a bit bothered about the sinking of what remains of the Royal Navy (although likely to have sunk anyway – see For Your Eyes Only) but the telly thing…nah. See Goldfinger. It’s just Goldfinger, again. Happy to live in this World.

The World is Not Enough – Istanbul nuked (British raise an eyebrow) and oil supply affected, albeit Greta Thingberg not overtly lacrimose. Elektra gets a monopoly on oil. See Goldfinger. It’s just Goldfinger, again. Have you seen the price of petrol? Can’t see much difference here between World as is and World as could otherwise be.

Die Another Day – Icarus is destroyed by the novel concept of firing more than one missile directly at it, all at the same time. Genius. Graves’ knighthood is the subject of questions in the House of Commons but nothing happens about this; he fails upwards and ends up with a minor Dukedom and a government contract for bins and syringes. I’d cope with this World; have to, to be honest.

Casino Royale – the Skyfleet ‘plane is destroyed and the folks in Uganda get more money for weapons. The British are not involved in this war so are not remotely concerned. The British probably sell them the guns, anyway. Is already the World.

Quantum of Solace – Bolivia’s water supply becomes jolly expensive, although the British are not at all concerned about this as it is all about “foreign”. “Quantum” gets a monopoly on water. See Goldfinger. It’s just Goldfinger, again. No skin off my nose to live in this World.

Skyfall – M dies, and there is a considerably (massively) lower body count in getting there and doubtless a more direct route to that outcome. Might be an improvement on current World.

Spectre – on the basis that the organisation seems to have emerged from a childhood hatred of Bond, nothing happens, there is no Spectre, and we are spared the whole sorry Spectre-cle. It’s very meta. Or another four-letter word. Can quite happily live in such a World.

No Time to Die – Bond is to blame for everything here apart from M being a psychopath with a more powerful weapon than any villain has ever produced (save Drax, perhaps). M has a monopoly on nanobot-thing. See Goldfinger. It’s just Goldfinger, again. This is probably a documentary, so no real difference made to change nor protect the World.

Most of these outcomes - I’d cope. Why does he bother?

The last three films are weird – Bond’s presence/existence/interventions just make everything so much worse all round in all three. James Bond has to die because his being around really frocks things up. Aware that “all this misery will end if you’re not James Bond” is what passes as the “idea” in Spectre but then they made that subtext into missile-driven text in the next one, just in case we missed it.


You forgot “World hears about Kansas having been destroyed in DAF.” :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: