Two years after 007 rejected her advances by passing her off to a horny parrot, Margaret Thatcher has subjected MI-6 to drastic cutbacks. Thus humiliated at having to enter a horse show with only one half of a plastic horse, Bond’s pride is further wounded when he must return home in a cramped airplane with zero legspace and no flight attendants. Meanwhile 009 brings in extra money delivering eggs as “Egbert The Clown,” ending in tragedy when an over-indulgence in facepaint causes him to be mistaken for Tammy Faye Bakker and knifed as a public service.
Noting that 009’s murder occurred in East Berlin, and suspecting a connection to a Russian general, MI-6 logically blows its remaining travel budget buying Bond a first-class ticket to India, where local agents are reduced to defending themselves with tennis rackets while Q tries to bring in extra money perfecting the “rope trick” illusion for Siegfried and Roy. Recognizing the need to boost office morale, 007 takes time out to sexually harass an intern in front of her co-workers.
With characteristic stealth and subtlety, Bond infiltrates an island of women while disguised as a reptile, thus meeting Octopussy, a beauteous criminal who robs people by (a) stealing their jewels and (b) selling them tickets to a crappy circus. Underneath, however, she has a heart of gold, having used her ill-gotten gains to establish this idyllic island as a sanctuary for victims of 80s hair and camel toe. When the villainous Prince Karamel Korn arrives and demands Bond be turned over for execution, Octopussy demurs, choosing instead to sleep with 007 in gratitude for his prompting her father to commit suicide.
Eventually everyone remembers that the actual plot involves East Germany, so they all make their way there. The cash-strapped Bond is forced to board a train in dangerous fashion since he has no ticket. When he’s discovered hiding in an ape suit, Bond is chased onto the roof of the train by the irate, turbaned porter and, long story short, ends up bumming a ride in a Volkswagen to arrive at a US Air Force base, where the crack security team issues an all-points-bulletin to capture him or, just be safe, anyone wearing a red shirt.
Bond borrows a spare “Egbert The Clown” costume from the late 009’s dressing room and tries to drum up a few bucks hawking eggs, but the irate circus workers resent the interruption of their act and attack him en masse. At the last moment, Bond saves the entire assemblage from a hidden “bomb,” which is revealed to be a work print of A View To A Kill. Having seen Bond at his heroic best, Octopussy decides to return to India and wed Prince Karamel Korn. Misinterpreting, Bond believes she’s in immediate danger and so speeds to her aid in a hot air balloon. When Karamel Korn and Octopussy head for their honeymoon in Karamel’s private plane, Bond stows away on top hoping to mooch free food and alcohol, but his added girth acquired since Live and Let Die causes the plane to crash, resulting in the tragic end of Karamel Korn who, worse than dying, is forced to appear in Swamp Thing.
Believing Bond has killed her new husband, Octopussy is turned on again and goes back to bed with Bond. The credits roll as she lists other male loved ones she’d like Bond to meet.
James Bond will return. Or maybe his much older brother, it’s hard to tell.