How about we replace Moneypenny/Q with an ‘alexa’ -type being (lowercase ‘a’ on principle)?
Or was that yesterday’s sideswipe? What day is it again? Has the World Cup started? Where am I? alexa! Help me!
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I can actually see this happening, for good or ill. “Moneypenny” reimagined as an “AI assistant” along the lines of Tony Stark’s “Jarvis” and whatever that female-voiced AI was in Spider-Man’s suit in the first Tom Holland film. Bezos could market it to fans, using the same voice heard in the film. If there’s a visual hologram variation maybe we’ve found a gig for Tilly Norwood?
If they used Jim’s “Alexa” idea, maybe audiences could be convinced to all download the Alexa app onto their phones so when the word comes up in the film, several hundred smartphones all come to life to say something, or play a sound at the same time. 300.1 Surround Sound. It’d give added incentive to actually see the films in the cinema. Or in my case, reassurance I’m doing the right thing by continuing to stay away.
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Oh! Noooo….!
I beg you all: stop this! You give them so many ideas right now!
We have brought this upon ourselves!
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Might not be feasible in the cinema but when wanting to stream at home, the only way to do so is by first downloading the Alexa app as an entry point/token. I can see “them” doing this.
Although I like the idea of the mass surround sound in the cinema, a convivial group event, the sound might be that of several dozen 'phones being stamped upon in rage.
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June 6.
The business model for Amazon streaming the existing Bond series up to and including No Time to Die is that after the pre-credits you will not be able to continue watching unless and until you buy something shown up to that point. (You get Dr No as a freebie because Amazon is lovely and generous and will that do, Mr Bezos?).
You already had to surrender all your hard copy versions of the films, as well as your soul.
You are proposing to watch The World is Not Enough, although why you would subject yourself to more than three seconds of it is beyond me.
Just as the song kicks in, the screen goes blank, and the following appears:
TO CONTINUE WATCHING, BUY SOMETHING
But what?
- A tea towel from the Guggenheim museum shop.
- A pair of comedy exploding spectacles.
- Some of M’s booze (she won’t be happy); this might help you tolerate the rest of the film.
- A wheel clamp.
- One of the very many Ford Escorts on show during the film, now very old and rusty, a bit like you.
- Some profiteroles. Yum!
- Concert ticket for the O2 Arena, but it must be for your least favourite band.
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Otherwise the film ends and Amazon sends someone round to strangle your puppy. This is a reminder that even if you cannot watch what they do, they most certainly can you.
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Forcing us to buy useless stuff one does not need is the perfect way to clear out the backrooms and to give people exciting shopping opportunities (blackmail as usual).
The tea towel seems to be the least offensive, and I can even stuff it in my mouth to stifle my screams at every overlord smilingly overtaking the world when it really was not necessary.
Of course, one could just say no and boycott this Bond film streaming by not watching anymore.
But I don’t have the time to think about that because I have to order more tea towels. For starters.
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I choose the profiteroles, only because that sounded the least expensive stuff which was offered.
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When in doubt, buy booze 
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I went for the profiteroles. Even if they suffer somewhat through the delivery process (melted, flattened, embedded within the bubblewrap) they should still taste pretty good. Even if I have to lick them off said bubblewrap.
Hopefully theyll always be on offer. I can rewatch the entire series (order of my own choosing) leaving GF to the end, by which time I might be the same size as Goldfinger himself**, and so indulge in a little cosplay to boot.
** Or Orson Welles in CR67
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I’ll go with the concert tickets for O2 - I’ll write ‘Wish you were here’ on them and send them to my enemies…
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I chose the spectacles. Anything that combines the words ‘comedy’ and ‘exploding’ gets my vote.
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June 7.
You won’t be able to continue watching beyond the pre-credits scene unless you buy something.
Live and Let Die, so…
- A probably racist goat’s head hat thing.
- A selection of other probably racist garb “of its era”.
- A day representing Jiminga at the U.N.
- A one way easyPussy flight to San Monique.
- An attack plunger thing.
- Jigaboo dance lessons. Ideal for funerals.
- Some voodoo drums. The neighbours will love these.
- Your coffin.
- A rubber snake that turns out to be a real one. Great fun for the kids.
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The attack plunger thingy it’s got to be. Great value for money and sits right beside my coat of arms - only £ 15.99 from the Hilary Bray Mint - on the mantle.
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With this particular film, I’d have to thank Amazon for sparing me the next two hours and go about my day doing something else with a few more dollars in my pocket as well.
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I have neighbours who deserve my drumming.
So, the voodoo drums.
Can I also get the Tarot cards with the 007 logo or do I have to watch a Brett Rattner documentary for that? (dealbreaker)
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Yeah! The Voodoo drums!!
That will teach my neighbours for all their barbecues and other stuff I don’t want to be bothered with.
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June 8.
You’ve just “enjoyed” the pre-credits scene of Diamonds are Forever, but just as Shirley Bassey is being jiggered into life like one would pull at a reluctant lawnmower, the screen goes black.
This is not blissful death, but a demand from Amazon that you buy something from what you have just witnessed, in order to continue.
- A strangling bra.
- A gallon of scorching mud.
- Brown clothes. Really offensively brown clothes.
- Snappy finger trap thing. For ages up to 3.
- A fez.
- A new face, so you can watch the rest of it without embarrassing your old one.
- Scalpels and cats. Ideal for the junior vivisectionist.
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You could just get some fresh air, y’know, although you probably have to pay for that too.
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The strangling bra it is - and I won’t have any kink shaming! It’s a perfectly respectable, family-friendly practice sitting right beside bullwhips, pimple clamps and pocket mousetraps. In fact, Disney is just drawing up a memo to the effect all their productions will henceforth feature a strangling bra scene…
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Going for the mud in order to fill the annoying swimming pool my neighbor built in his small garden last year, on his own, always in the evening hours, so his spoilt brats now can dive in screaming (“oh what fun!”) whenever the sun is shining.
So that is mud, voodoo drums… Keep it coming, Jim, I need more to act out my (too many) violent impulses.
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The snappy finger trap thing? Haven’t you and Bryce amassed enough of those at the office? No, really, one can barely put one’s hands anywhere at the office, without risking to get your fingers into one. Just yesterday, I had one in my top drawer. And not the kind that silently sits and waits until you come to close, but one that actively comes after you and has an additional mechanism that pulls put your fingernails…
No, no, no. I’l settle for a nice and lovely fez…
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